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first kiss

I was 14. I had never been with a guy, never kissed one. My friends thought this was ridiculous, most of them had lost their virginity already. It felt like my innocence was a was a burden to them, it felt like it exhausted them. One evening we were all at one of my friends' houses and they invited 3 or 4 older guys from a different high school round because.. well.. they thought it would be fun I guess. They locked me in a small bedroom with this 16/17 year old guy I'd just met and shouted through the door they weren't going to let me out until I'd snogged him. I just remember staring at this strange man and his facial hair and feeling empty and a little scared. He pulled me onto his knee and whispered things into my ear. He tried about 4 times to kiss me which I dodged and told him no. He asked me why? I didn't have a better answer than 'I don't want to'. I asked my friends to let me out and they wouldn't. I laughed like it was funny but I felt scared, and weak, and childish. I felt that I should just do it and get it over with but I just couldn't talk myself into it. In the end, I pecked him once on the lips. I told him that was all it was going to be. He stood up, walked to the door and asked to be let out. The door opened and it felt wonderful to be free, that it was over. The guys left almost straight away and I felt that I'd let everyone down.

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